Re：The Daily Humorscope-Thursday, April 5, 2012-NEW THREAD

Date Posted：04/06/2012 06:02 AMCopy HTML

The Daily Humorscope-Friday, April 6, 2012

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Be careful if you try to be funny, today. Although you are normally reknowned for your dry wit, you may be a bit soggy, today.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

You will contemplate nothingness today, but somethingness will keep intruding upon your thoughts.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

You will decide to go into the swimwear market, and will become famous by making things out of stainless steel.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

The world will be dim and grey, and cold. Carrion crows will caw at you from the edges of the world, and deep cold water will rush by in rivers without names. Ahead, on the peak of a mountain, is a glimmering golden light. Either that, or you'll get gum stuck to your shoe. (Sometimes these things are hard to read.)

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

There will be a great disturbance in the force, today. Fortunately, it will be caused by a really funny lawyer joke sweeping through the Universe, so there's no reason for you to worry.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Good time to get your finances in order. Luckily, in your case that simply means putting the one dollar bills in front of the fives, in your wallet.

Libra (September 23 - October 22)

Lately you feel blessed with great abundance, as though your cup runneth over. Basically, you just need a bigger cup.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

As a joke, you will hold up a certain air freshener in a bank, today, and announce "this is a Stick Up!". Later, you'll have time to reflect upon the regrettable fact that law enforcement officials are sadly lacking in a sense of humor.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

You are being followed by a man with an eye patch and a prosthetic limb. He, in turn, is being followed by a large reptile, which is making a ticking sound.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Avoid yodelling today.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

It would be best, if you abandoned the Fez. You aren't that type of person, and it's no use pretending.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

What is freedom? Is there a difference between an infinitely long leash, and no leash at all? You'll discover the answer to that at work this week, when you get "the yank".

Love & Hugs,

AngelBear7042

Re：The Daily Humorscope-Thursday, April 5, 2012-NEW THREAD

Date Posted：04/07/2012 06:03 AMCopy HTML

The Daily Humorscope-Saturday, April 7, 2012

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Today you will overhear people talking about you, and realize that you're an incredible bore who nobody likes. Go to the library and ask the librarian for advice.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

A project you started a while ago takes on nightmarish proportions, today, as you realize that you've been suckered into a hideous task. Fortunately, you will be able to get out of it by feigning death.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

You will declare war on ham, today. Possibly on all pork, not just ham. Why? Nobody will know.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Beware of iguanas, today.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Don't worry about your hair. It's your breath that makes people look at you like that.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

A creature from the 7th dimension will become attached to your leg, and will be impossible to remove. Eventually, you'll simply get used to it.

Libra (September 23 - October 22)

This will be a very happy week for you. And you know what they've been saying about that for thousands of years, don't you? "Happy Good! Me Like Happy!"

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Something is about to become overly intimate with you. Intimacy can be good. Just not with fungus.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Today will be Mexican Food day, for you. In fact, chances are better than 1 in 3 that someone will refer to you as "Frijole-breath" before the day is through.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Beware of bubonic plague today. Other than that, things will be fairly normal.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Beware of giant squids today. Other than that, a good day for a nice walk along the beach.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

This will be a very happy week for you. And you know what they've been saying about that for thousands of years, don't you? "Happy Good! Me Like Happy!"

Love & Hugs,

AngelBear7042

Re：The Daily Humorscope-Thursday, April 5, 2012-NEW THREAD

Date Posted：04/08/2012 06:01 AMCopy HTML

The Daily Humorscope-Sunday, April 8, 2012

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Do not snitch a jelly donut today, when nobody is looking. The chocolate frosted one is much better.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

You will have a nightmare tonight, in which you find yourself dangling from the ceiling, while brightly colored paper maché animals with glowing eyes file into the room. One of them will be carrying a stick. Perhaps you shouldn't eat so much candy before going to bed?

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

You will be tickled without mercy, today. Oddly, you will not be able to see your assailant.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Tiddly wink day. Make it count.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Bad day to tease a yak.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

You will get a postcard from the Forbidden City today, containing some very unsettling news. You won't realize that, of course, since it will be written in a language you don't understand.

Libra (September 23 - October 22)

Your requests are being ignored. Often you can get people to pay attention by simply adding a few words to the end of your request, such as "Pick up your socks, dear, or die screaming."

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

You will soon accidentally discover why it is that so many things "taste like chicken." It's because they ARE chickens, in clever disguises.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

You will answer the phone today by shouting "You bloated sack of protoplasm!". Unfortunately, it's not your friend calling. It's your mother.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

You've been trying to sell your car, and it just isn't going anywhere. Sometimes it helps if you have a name for your vehicle, to give it more character. I call mine the "Millennium Falcon". My passengers often become irritated at being called "Chewie", though.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Time to stop beating around the bush. Beat the bush itself. Give it a good thrashing, and say "bad bush!" in a loud stern tone.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Tomorrow when you wake up, you'll make an unpleasant discovery. Sometime during the night, you'll have been visited by the nostril hair fairy.

Love & Hugs,

AngelBear7042

Re：The Daily Humorscope-Thursday, April 5, 2012-NEW THREAD

Date Posted：04/09/2012 06:15 AMCopy HTML

The Daily Humorscope-Monday, April 9, 2012

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Today you will receive an odd postcard from a long lost relative in Peru. He will invite you to come explore an ancient Incan ruin which he has discovered. Try not to be too impulsive -- a better offer will soon arrive from a an old highschool friend who is hiding out in a Burmese monastery.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Say something completely ordinary, today, but follow it with "Get it?" and a big grin. For example, "I'm wearing shoes. Get it?" See who gets it. Avoid them.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Thrombosis. Beware. Also, your best friend will rush up and indicate by nonverbal means that Timmy is trapped under a log again.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

You will be pestered by a small fluffy animal today. Don't be taken in by appearances -- it's actually a mutant from outer space.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

You will get a notion to become a street food-vendor, and will make yourself a food serving cart for the "Bulghur Baron." You will sell pint containers of hot bulghur wheat, cooked with sauteed onions, garlic, and other vegetables. To everyone's amazement, you'll succeed fabulously, eventually making millions off the franchise rights alone.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Soon you will find yourself at another dull party, where the only person you know is who you came with. You'll need to use Tip #39 of my book "101 Ways To Break The Ice": Ask someone who they are, after introducing yourself. When they say their name, repeat it back to them as "YOU'RE Bill Smith???" "Uh, yes" "Well, you sure can't believe everything you hear, can you?" "What do you mean?" "Well, it's just that you don't look at ALL like a weasel, you know? Or at least, hardly at all."

Libra (September 23 - October 22)

Everyone's talking about Nostradamus these days, but nobody ever remembers his first name. Except you. People may think it's pretentious of you to talk about "Bob Nostradamus", but who cares? They'll all die when the comet hits, anyway.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

You will read an oevre in a new genre. Actually, it will be an X-Men(tm) comic book, but you've never been one of those stuffy people who are unwilling to try new things.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Don't lose hope! Conditions like yours are painful and embarrassing, but often clear up on their own.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Today you will discover a way to have your cake and eat it too! Unfortunately, everyone else will think that's really disgusting.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

You haven't been sleeping well, but that will soon change. You will develop the knack of falling instantly asleep whenever you want to -- either at night, or during boring meetings.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

They say that a dog is a man's best friend. Oddly, that's only true in some European-derived cultures. In sub-Saharan Africa, for example, man's best friend is a blue-tongued skink. They just have a heck of a lot more trouble fetching the paper. You may find your own type of best friend, soon.

Love & Hugs,

AngelBear7042

Re：The Daily Humorscope-Thursday, April 5, 2012-NEW THREAD

Date Posted：03/09/2022 23:26 PMCopy HTML